FOCUS

Tonight was the most brutal sit I've ever experienced. Instead of a cushion, I sat in a chair, otherwise it would have been an order of magnitude worse. I didn't have to confront my thoughts or my mind, but rather my body as it slowly "unravelled" into nervous system chaos. My body walked me through internal shocks, muscles tightening and locking up, and the exquisite caresses of The Visitors (who haven't shown up recently) during a grand performance.

So my glasses on the table in front of me became a point of return when stuff got too crazy. I thought of them as me watching me. It was a technique to reset and refocus, in order that I didn't bother anyone else in the room.

I did it! I survived an hour of sitting (two 30 minute sessions) and 10 minutes of walking meditation.

TINNITUS

Over the past couple of years, I've noticed it is difficult for me to distinguish individual sources of sound in a crowded and/or noisy environment. I'm not going to hear most of what you say to me in a bar or at a party, unless you are standing close to me and speaking above normal. Recently, I've also noticed that my brain is trying to "fix" what I'm not hearing in quieter situations. 

For example, The Wife and I were watching the evening news and they kept showing pictures of snow in the Rocky Mountains. I asked why they kept mentioning "Miami." The Wife told me they were talking about "Wyoming." (Say them aloud to yourself.)

So it was off for a hearing test. I was told that my hearing was "normal, but that doesn't mean perfect." It also made me aware that I have likely been experiencing tinnitus for some time, at least at a low level. The problem is that testing made me hyperaware of the tinnitus, which brought it to the forefront of my attention and therefore made it problematic.

Currently, I am using three different tools to counter and/or lessen the effect of the tinnitus.

[1] I tried out Loop Quiet 2 earplugs. Online results of earplugs were mixed in alleviating tinnitus, but I found that they did help me. I wore them during most of a worship service, which diminished the higher pitches, which were giving the tinnitus strength. I also wore them when I slept and most of the ambient noises of the room disappeared, allowing me a better night of sleep. 



[2] I have a pair of air conduction "open ear" headphones, so I paired them with a "tinnitus relief" app on my smartphone. Playing with various types of sounds, I discovered that "brown noise" does counter my tinnitus. So I have the app act as a brown noise generator at low volume and can still hear the soundtrack of the real world.

[3] I found a good Buddhist response to tinnitus online, which I've been trying to enact. Accept it for what it is, but don't allow it any power. Don't try to focus on it. Don't try to not focus on it. Just let it be. This is easier said than done, but I think its the same way that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) works on tinnitus and I potentially saved myself a bunch of energy, time, and money.

We'll see how it goes!

COLONOSCOPY

The reward for a colonoscopy and its accompanying preparations was a bacon cheeseburger from Five Guys. And. It. Was. So. Damn. Good.

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Medical personnel need to be more upfront about what preparation for a colonoscopy entails. They need to be graphic and let you know exactly what is going to happen to your body as it purges yourself. (For instance, are you going to be "urinating" out of your ass? Yes. I wasn't quite ready for that.)

THE SINGING NAIL

Mystical moment of mowing the yard...

I started hearing a low ringing tone to the left of my head. When I pulled my ear protection back or removed my left hand from the running lawnmower, the tone would cease. When I replaced both, then the tone returned. It occurred throughout mowing the front yard.

I took a pause for some Internet research before mowing the backyard. The tone disappeared during the break and didn't return again.

It wasn't like "normal" ringing in the ears. It didn't seem to be an aural hallucination. I'm wondering if the vibration of the lawnmower provided a frequency that resonated with and activated my humeral nail. The tone was close to that of one of my singing bowls (pictured), but quieter and sustained. And knowing it had a point in space relative to my head and shoulder makes me think it is likely circumstances were "just right" at that moment to manifest and feed such a "song."

SHOULDER the PAIN

The beauty of a broken body. Using sword work to move through pain.

For the past couple of days, I've been experiencing issues with my broken arm, my shoulder, and my hardware. Then, tonight, my main neurological symptoms increasingly "turned on" and are now much more noticeable. So the former provided me a foretaste of what was to come.

Now it's time to lie on my Shakti Mat and then endure a couple days of waiting for symptoms to turn off.

SWORD MEDITATION

The weather today was perfect—76º Fahrenheit and finally a departure from the gray and gloom. It was a good day to get barefoot in the backyard dojo and do some sword meditation and suburi (drills).

It's been five months since I broke my humerus and my arm is starting to feel "normal" again more often than not. It's good to have a sword in my hand again!

FREE THROW

I recently discovered that shooting free throws, either in real life at the gym or virtually via Wii Resort, is the best physical therapy for my arm. Progress on healing had mostly stopped and I realized I wasn't really using my left arm. But playing with a basketball a couple times per day has reduced pain and increased mobility. Plus it mimics sword work (right = control hand; left = power hand) but in an exaggerated and helpful way! Plus I make sure I dribble with my left hand, which is awkward and challenging, but some bonus PT.

BULLSHIT CHRISTMAS

Sorry baby Jesus, but it was a Bullshit Christmas. And then some.

Today is Day 23/7. Twenty-three days since I broke my left humerus on the afternoon of Christmas Eve. Seven days since I had a 28 centimeter metal rod inserted into my bone to stabilize the arm.

Originally, we decided to immobilize the arm with splint and sling. Upon the recheck twelve days later, however, it was discovered that the arm was healing crooked and I probably would lose some movement in it. I couldn't live with that, so surgery it was! That way I get closer to full recovery, although it also meant starting the clock over on healing.

So it's been days of pain and nerve burn. It's been days of meds, ice, rest. It's been days of boredom and lack of focus. Hopefully, it all adds up to a fully functional left arm in a few months, which will include weeks of no weight bearing on the arm and physical therapy. Here's to healing!

SHAKTI MAT

Turning these...



...into these.

6,440 ABS plastic spikes on my new Shakti Accupressure Mat become indentations that bring relief and release from pain.

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The past few days have been a challenge for my body.

First, I accidentally struck my shin with the mine (back of the blade) of my sword on a full swing. I definitely bruised the skin and tissue, because it was purple and swelling almost instantly. I also apparently bruised the bone. Definitely a good amount of pain. So: ice, elevation, and naproxen, and an attempt at sleep.

Second, a day later and it felt as though my body rolled back fifteen years in time, but that wasn't a good thing. I was unable to walk. Following lines of nerve pain, they point back to my problematic lumbar disc, but also to one of my cranial discs too. (Ugh!) So it was back to using braces and my cane. And making sure I move through this with qigong exercises, because I still can. (I'm not quite ready yet (again) for the bullshit that doctors will provide as they try to diagnose me without listening to my decade-and-a-half of body knowledge and experience.)

Third, I realized that much of the inflammation in my body contributing to my bulging disc and its attendant nervous system problems is likely due to seasonal allergies. Yes, there is an underlying condition but it is gravely aggravated by the allergic response.

Therefore, I ordered a Shakti Mat. Of all the things I had tried over the years, accupressure (and accupuncture) was the only one that I had avoided. I changed that and I'm glad I did.

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My mat arrived the next day. After work, I laid down on it and was able to stay on it for 20 minutes. Instead of feeling much pain and/or discomfort from the mat, I felt good. Symptoms were greatly diminished. A few hours later, I thought I would try it for another 20-minute session. I got onto the mat and when I woke up I realized 40 minutes had passed. I had told The Wife that I didn't understand how someone would be able to sleep on this "bed of nails" as I had read in a number of reviews and yet here I was. 

I ordered the mat with much skepticism, but figured I would give it a chance. It transformed pain into calm and quiet. I'm a believer!

THERABAND FLEXBAR

Training game changer: Theraband FlexBar. It's proven to rehabilitate tennis/golfer's elbow. (Or sword elbow!) I've already experienced relief.

I can feel where it is countering the affected muscles and tendons. I also used it to isolate the nerve pain that accompanies the sword elbow and follow it back to the point of origin in my bulging disc.

NERVE BURN

Sword practice today is with full gloves and braces to counter nerve burn. The cold air feels good too.

Shita / 舌 isn't going to draw herself!

TENS

Two steps forward and five steps back. My problematic disc seems to have slipped again. So I pulled out my TENS unit and got one session in last night. And then it died.

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This morning, I picked up a new TENS unit and it is an order of magnitude better. At half strength it is about ten times more powerful than the old unit at full strength.

It allowed me to discover that my back muscles tightened up around the disc after it slid, which, in turn tightened up the muscles even more, which tugged the disc farther out of alignment—a vicious physical feedback loop. The new TENS unit helped to relax the muscles. That allowed me some relief so that I can do my PT exercises.

It will still take some time for everything to completely settle down, but it's three steps forward!

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This evening, while the first November storm raged outside, I worked on slow and control indoors. Yi Jin Jing qigong, iaido, and then the TENS unit. (One step forward.)

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Pictured above is the sixth movement of Yi Jin Jing, "Flexing Paws and Spreading Wings," as I workout with Master Shi Heng Yi of Shaolin Temple Europe via the magic of YouTube.

TEST RUN

Taking my body on a test run with the first sangaku technique, Ittō Ryōdan, and "the wheel" posture. 

舌 feels good in my hands, but I turned on symptoms—facial numbness, crown tingling, pain in my hands and forearms—after more than a week of rest, with only a minor workout.

It appears I'm not quite ready for "prime time" again.

  

NEW PATH

Today I had to make the difficult decision to leave the dojo I’m part of for personal and health reasons. Over the past two weeks, I had some past back and joint issues return in full force after years of absence, as well as some new arthritic-like symptoms appear in my hands.

It was as though a large boulder fell from the heavens and blocked my martial arts path. Instead of seeing the boulder as an impossible challenge and turning back, though, I decided to find a way around or over it. But that way entails a much slower and more tailored journey than I was going to experience as part of any particular program.

So, rest for now. Then “baby steps” and physical therapy exercises for a bit. Then Yi Jin Jing version of Qigong since it is slow but also continues to build flexibility and muscle tone. Then kihon (basics) and kata (forms) of karate and waza (techniques) of iaido.

I have enough equipment in the backyard dojo for training. I have almost a year and a half of Shotokan and eight months of Yi Jin Jing as a good solid base. I have plenty of things to work upon. Plus, being in the backyard dojo allows me to return to my white belt and a “beginner’s mind.” To see things anew.

A couple of “dark nights of the soul” and plenty of time to reflect made me realize some of the things I don’t need as I walk The Way. I don’t need to compete to prove my worth. I don’t need stripes or belts or rank. And it is not that there's anything wrong with those things, but I don’t need them. I needed to develop a routine of training, which I have. I needed to figure out some of the basics, which I’m doing. I needed to build up my core strength, which I have done beyond what I thought I was capable of. I needed to discover how much I enjoy drawing a sword from a sheath—for many reasons—and so much so that I actually dream about working with 舌.

I give thanks for everyone who has been part of my martial arts journey to this point. You have provided me with a wonderful foundation for what takes place next.

BODY and SOUL

Zheng He Gong Fu black tea and Biscuits and Gravy at Alma Cafe this morning. But the best part of breakfast was the conversation with my friend David—about life and literature, art and auteurs, religion, muses, writing, and so much more. Nourishment for body and soul!

BLINK of an EYE

Just like that—in the blink of an eye, or, actually, in the slipping of a disc—I trade my sword for my cane.

This level of movement of my problematic disc hasn't occurred for a few years. I felt the shift in my spine while working on my roof, right before my leg attempted to buckle beneath me. Needless to say, I got down off the roof as soon as I could.

Now I wait for things to quiet down and the right side of my body to loosen up, so I can assess what needs to happen next.